Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize