seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
