I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
