sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
