Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
