I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
