Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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