I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
