Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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