your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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