Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
