Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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