i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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