I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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