All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
