the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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