no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
