This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
