watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
