There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
