I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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