while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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