The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
