She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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