I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
