Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i think i just lost a toe
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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