Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
