I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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