I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
