I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
