You're my little dorito
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
