I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
