i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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