can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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