I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
