She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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