apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
