i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
