hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
