how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
