i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
