When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize