Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
