got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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