If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
