I accidentally burped into my bong.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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