your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
