it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
