i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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