i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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