Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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