i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
