I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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