And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
