all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Redeem this text for a blowjob
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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