sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
