Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
