My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
