In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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