you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
