Umm I'm too high to move.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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